I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
