Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
