she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You took a bar mat shot.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
