I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
