god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Randomize
