after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
