My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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