It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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