hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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