Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
