and you said cock pushups were impossible
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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