I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
