my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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