I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
