i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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