she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
