my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Watching her eat just hurts me
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
