Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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