Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
