mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
