All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
