i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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