I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
