I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
