Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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