I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
