Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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