Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
