i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
