my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
