If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Bring me that man meat
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
