By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
