Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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