i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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