oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
