She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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