I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
