ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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