Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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