I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
