I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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