I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
