I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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