Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
