I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
