I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
