I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
