omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
