I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
pop tarts are not kleenex
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
