I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
