just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When did angry sex become our thing?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
