It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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